999 Z65

I wrote in thick letters
“if you loved me
you’d ask why
you would listen to me -
if you loved me
you would remember the tears
in my eyes when I held you
for the first time in months -
that’s that
maybe you didn’t see
maybe you think I lied to you”

I would not hide behind cliched lines
if they weren’t true

it wasn’t that I couldn’t love
I never said a thing
all out of fear
this would be the outcome
the only time
I’ll be proud of my circuitous brain
and my frayed nerves

“you might ask how many times
after we first split
I drove by your road
cursing at my stupid muscles
me letting you go -
I’d tell you
every week”

apparently I worked better
as a two dimensional man
than an actual person
capable of bleeding mistakes
capable of things
I would regret

I told myself I’d keep my mouth shut
I’ll honor that

I’ll have my phone beside me
I’ll keep my dreams

I woke in a cold sweat

I hope she talks to someone
that has my voice
that knows what’s important
that will explain myself