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the bug bites stay on her legs
longer than they should
first, dark red
then they fade into
white irises tinged
with a raised pink

i see them when she
walks beside me
or when she adjusts her dress
to sit on the couch

when she smokes
she sometimes ashes
into her drink, on accident,
one hand she throws into the air
in frustration
the other goes to her leg
and she scratches gently
subconsciously

i pour out her drink
and fix her another
while watching her legs
and the way her hands
find the grooves and echoes
of her bones and muscles

when she stopped smoking
and the bites completely faded
we stopped sitting together
on my discolored couch
and then i forgot the way
my mouth said her name

sometimes
now
i say it in the car
to remind myself, the name,
but my teeth click at the end
of the syllables
and i turn the radio on
to think of something else
but it churns out her
name in low groans

then off
i turn the radio off
then i pull over
quickly then slowly
and when the car has stopped
and the air conditioner
is all i hear
i cry
i swear off drinking
i swear off smoking
i swear i will call her
when i get home
i will wrap the phone cord
in my hands and pull on it
while i wait

instead
i pass out on the bathroom floor
but not before remembering
it was me that ashes in drinks
that scratches my legs

i wished many things