1359

to be honest

I kept a

mirror on your shoulder

I don’t remember you crying

just my face

a little swollen

flush from alcohol

to be honest

I don’t remember the way

you smelt

just the smell of cigarettes

lingering on my jacket

I think I remember

all the times

you cried

halting and heaving

while we said goodbye

but maybe

I remember the weather

more

overcast

sunny

sometimes

or fall

and the sound of leaves

dry and dead

under my boots

now

I’m a member of a new religion

and we’re renouncing

everything

had to put

all my belongings in a locker

by the front door

had to take out my gold teeth

and fillings

for dues

and the memories

I’m supposed to forget

I already had lost

at your funeral

I asked

if they mentioned me

well

I tucked in my shirt and

everything

but the priest

didn’t recognize me

and your family

was consoling some man

your husband

in a black suit

who didn’t look like me

I couldn’t help but ask

if he’s heard of me

it wasn’t working

back then

there wasn’t enough

klonopin to keep us sane

and the distance kept

us soft

but even when we

were together

I couldn’t make you cum

come on

honey

let’s do ayahuasca

and try to make it work

in the afterglow

no no

no