1276

I carried around a slot machine
for a few months
just so I could convince
myself I tried at winning
some old prize
I threw an occasional
quarter down the machine’s
oil lined gullet
and found its belching
satisfying in an
absent minded way

it followed me to work
out to the late night bars
and loud cafes
sitting behind me
patient in its wisdom
I thought
knowing I could turn around
pull the lever
watch its eyes spin and whirl
then turn back to writing
or yelling

and for a few months
I thought it would give up
say

I get it, okay?
you convinced me
I know you’re working hard
and you’re serious in devotion

but it just stayed silent
in its rumbling vigil
always looking at me
bouncing lights off my eyes
holding a sharp glint I took
as embarrassment or shame

close to the third month
the machine got sick
started throwing up
my change and bits of wires
screws and lubricant

I took it to the doctor
she said it was time
to put it out to pasture
to let it roam on its own
let its memory live
on in my pockets and fingers

it took me a long time
but I understood

I understood